The wife says, the wife means!

The wife says: we need, the wife means:
I want.

The wife says: It’s your decision, the wife means:
The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want, the wife means:
You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk, the wife means:
I need to complain

The wife says: I am not upset, the wife means:
Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly, the wife means:
You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient, the wife means:
I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains, the wife means:
Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes, the wife means:
The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there, the wife means:
No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise, the wife means:
I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?, the wife means:
I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?, the wife means:
I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute, the wife means:
Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?, the wife means:
Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate, the wife means:
Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?, the wife means:
[Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: I’m sorry, the wife means:
You’ll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?, the wife means:
You better get used to it

The wife says: Was that the baby?, the wife means:
Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I’m not yelling!, the wife means:
Yes I am! I think this is important!

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Wife Problems!

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?’

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NEVER FORCE A CHILD TO PRAY!

The neighbors had come over for dinner at Little Johnny’s place. As they sat down for dinner, father asked Little Johnny to do the prayers. Johnny replied, “But dad, i am scared.”

His Dad told him to just be honest and say what he felt best. So as everyone joined hands,

Johnny began: “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing the kid who ate my cookies. Please bless them him with food so that he doesn’t take mine.

Also forgive his elder brother who undressed my sister and started wrestling with her. I am sure he wont do that again.

Speaking of clothes, I want you to bless all the naked women on my dads phone with clothes. Seriously, they need it.

And lastly, I want you to provide shelter to the homeless man who sleeps with my mom when dad goes to work. Thank you.”

No one had dinner that day.

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Men and decision making!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.

He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5000.

She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Just really wondering, is this how “we – men” make decisions?

What are your thoughts?

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Peanut.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.

He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart?

What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”

The father replies “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!”

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The Marriage Counsellor!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling.

They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?”

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counsellor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

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Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!

In order to recover his lost bicycle, a local Pastor sought the help of a close friend who suggested to him to base his next sermon on the theme, “Thou Shall Not Steal”.

Next time, when the friend saw the Pastor riding the lost bicycle, he happily asked him whether the trick has worked?

The Pastor answered:

“Yes, i preached the Ten Commandments and when i got to

‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, i immediately remembered where i had left my bicycle”.